So you all know, right, that Subway “restaurants” are kept in business by selling their “sandwiches” to a race of alien beings that need human pubes and backsweat in order to sustain themselves? It’s totally true, and if you think about it, that’s why you always see people in Subway uniforms at health clubs and so forth; they are there to squeegee the seats off when people get up after exercising. They squeegee it into a Zip-loc baggie and bring it back to sprinkle all the hell over their fresh fixings. Or, “fixin’s” as they are known.
Here is the evidence we have:
1. Aliens eat human pubes. This is a scientific fact. It has been proven time and time again in double-blind tests with neither the scientists, nor the aliens, knowing which are pubes and which are other, pube-like things.
2. Aliens drink backsweat and also deign to use backsweat as a sort of au jus. This is a somewhat controversial theory, and there has been some dissent within the scientific community about whether the aliens might prefer a foot-based perspiration. More study is needed.
3. Subway sandwiches are super gross and over-priced. Even though they once-in-a-while try to convince you in their adverts that you can get a foot-long sub for five dollars, good luck finding a place that actually honors that claim. Plus since there are so many pubes in the food, they try to cover it up by putting an imperial shittonne of lettuce on there. Try asking for no lettuce. Just try it! No way, Holmes, you are getting lettuce. One way or another you are going to eat that lettuce, and whether you’re sitting at a table quietly weeping, or on the floor surrounded by Subway employees who are laughing so hard that they are practically screaming at you, that lettuce is going down the pipe, my friend.
4. There are a lot of alternative places that have way better sandwiches, and often at a cheaper price. I mean, what the cripes man, open your eyes, they are everywhere. Check behind recently opened Subways, and sometimes there will be a sandwich place right behind there. Or if you see a bunch of people trying to get into a place, and there are these mean looking guys who are not letting them through, then that is probably some Subway folks keeping people from patronizing the competition.
5. Subway places are still open. There they are. They are all there. You can look right at them.
So all we have to do from there is connect the dots. Connect them all the way to Pube Town. (Subway is Pube Town)
