I awoke to find Edmund standing there in my room. He was watching me as I slept, and though that’s normally a super creepy thing to do, it wasn’t in this case because Edmund was so beautiful. I stared into his eyes, one green, one off-green, and he whispered my name:

“Becca…”

I felt his honeyed breath sweep across my exposed neck and up into my quivering nostrils. “Edmund,” I replied, choking on my own idiotic-sounding, raspy voice, “Why are you here?” I could feel my pathetic, soft, human heart pounding away as I waited for his words. Each second that I wasn’t hearing his creamy, songlike voice was like an eternity of eating glass shards in Hell.

“Because, my sweet, dear Becca,” he began, and I almost fainted to the floor with ecstasy at his perfect, lathery, but also strong, and foreboding tone, “I love you more than anything, and will as long as I live, which by the way is forever.”

He appeared at the side of my bed, moving faster than any loathsome, disgusting human such as myself could ever wish to, and held my face in his hands. His palms felt cold on my wretched cheeks, as if he were the most perfect ice sculpture that could also move about freely while not melting. After a while, my cheeks started getting really cold, but I didn’t mind. I would rather get frostbite and have my entire face amputated than have Edmund be any farther away than he was now.

Suddenly Edmund hissed and turned to the window. “What is it?” I asked.

“It’s another vampire — an evil one!” Edmund clenched his exotic, supernaturally perfect fists. “…Only two thousand miles away, and running toward us at full speed! I am putting you in danger just by being here!”

“No, Edmund!” I cried out, “It is I who am putting you in danger! By being a disgusting, lowly, repulsive, ugly, soft-fleshed cockroach of a person!”

He softened his expression, and touched my face. “Sweet Becca, don’t you know that you are more beautiful than anyone, whether human or vampire. I will protect you no matter what.” He touched my face again.

“How much time do we have?” I mumbled, in a daze from Edmund’s hard-yet-soft-yet-actually-really-super-hard abdominal muscles, which had become exposed recently.

“Not long,” Edmund muttered, again becoming dark, brooding, and mysterious, “You’d better make something to eat, while I use my mental powers to alert the other friendly vampires.”

I went downstairs and made some eggs. Then I made a sandwich. Then, after doing the dishes and sweeping the floor, I made some mushroom ravioli for Willie, because he would be home soon, and he couldn’t cook at all. Then I vacuumed the rugs and dusted the shelves. After all of that, I was hungry again, so I made two more eggs. Then I drank a juice.

Suddenly, Edmund was there before me. “It’s over,” He said. At that moment I felt more depressed than anyone has ever felt in the history of depression. I felt like someone had taken my heart out of my chest and slapped it really hard and then just stared and stared at it with a mean look. I could feel the tears forming in my pitifully myopic eyes.

Edmund looked handsomely confused. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

“You… You said it was over! Oh, Edmund. How can I go on living this horrible, horrible life of mediocrity without you?”

He laughed, and held my face in his hands (again). “Becca… Becca, Becca, Becca.” He stared lovingly at my trembling, dejected, worthless, ugly, stupid, retardo, mumbly, lame-brained, moronic, sniveling expression. “Becca. I don’t mean it’s over between us. I mean, the danger is over with. The evil vampires are gone. They have smelled our love for each other and were terrified by its strength and eternalness.”

“Oh, Edmund,” I drooled out, sickeningly, “I want to be a vampire too!”

Edmund let go of my face for a second and then touched it again with one hand. Then he touched it with his other hand. He kept doing this. “Dearest, most beautiful and exotic Becca,” He said, “Even though I could crush your entire skeleton just by hiccuping from a hundred yards away, I want you to stay human because I never had the chance to be human, and it seems like a pretty good time, I mean like going to the bathroom and sleeping and such.” He sighed and shook his head. “Becca,” he added.

Suddenly Edmund hissed!

“What now?” I blathered.

“Werewolves…” Edmund said, through his perfect teeth, lips, and gums, “I won’t let them near you!”

How could I possibly let Edmund know that among those very wolves was my best friend, Jared, who had recently expressed to me his passionate and undying love? It was at that moment, I knew I would have to be mopey and whiny for a very long time, all the while making countless unwise decisions, until the situation had resolved itself without any positive action on my own part.
 

TO BE CONTINUED!