I bet most of you were thinking of that one. But it is true: the light bulb was originally meant to be food! Nikola Tesla was working on a way to use pure electricity to create human sustenance. After a few weeks, he devised a small “bulb”-shaped object that you could hold for a few seconds and thus not have to eat for several hours. It had the side effect of electric diarrhea, however.

Luckily, when Thomas Edison stole the invention, he didn’t know what it was for and dubbed it the “electro-candle”.

2. The Felt Pen.

The inventors of what came to be known as the felt pen, or “magic marker”, had planned to create something entirely different, which was to be called a “Lucky Tampon”. The idea was to have a short tube full of absorbent material that could be reused a number of times by uncapping one end and letting the menstrual fluid empty out. After a trial run, it was quickly noted that one could write letters and make images with the Lucky Tampon.

Seeing a large market, Frederick and William Sanford decided to change their entire business plan to that of writing instruments! The “Marker Pen” was such a huge success, that after three years of steady sales, they were forced to switch to using ink rather than menstrual fluid.

3. Windshield Wipers

When the auto-mobile was first coming onto the scene, it was fashionable to wave tiny flags with your house crest or emblem while driving through town. Less fortunate people who couldn’t afford such a luxury would know who their betters were, and to ignore any fallen person whose face was enshrouded with such a flag.

When the motorists began to tire of the constant waving, auto-mobile manufacturers added the Flag-Waver feature to newer models. As you can imagine, the waving flags mounted to the hood of the car obscured the drivers’ vision and caused many deaths, but also had the pleasant side effect of occasionally wiping the windshield glass!

After a while, flag waving finally fell out of fashion (in favor of moving one’s eyebrows up and down quickly), and the mechanism remained and was replaced with a more efficient “squee-gee”, so named because it was made from hog penis.

4. Bananas

It’s common knowledge that the modern banana has been cross-bred and engineered into its current delicious form. Did you know that this was the result of a drunken experiment?

The banana used to be a long, flat, leathery seed-pod that people could use to tie their hair back. (The word “bandana” comes from the same native plant: the “ba-gnania” which roughly translates to “stretchy hog-penis”.)

A couple of scientists working late and drinking “Johnny-beers” began cross-pollinating and grafting roots of the ba-gnania plants in their back yard, trying to make a fruit that could be used to wrap the feet of baskets-ball players. The result was much too slippery, but soon it was noted that the flesh and skin was quite edible. One of the scientists was noted as exclaiming, “Tasty,” followed by a scientific thumbs-up (thumb and pointer-finger extended, with pointer finger directed to ward the object of note).

Here is the evidence we have:

1. Aliens eat human pubes. This is a scientific fact. It has been proven time and time again in double-blind tests with neither the scientists, nor the aliens, knowing which are pubes and which are other, pube-like things.

2. Aliens drink backsweat and also deign to use backsweat as a sort of au jus. This is a somewhat controversial theory, and there has been some dissent within the scientific community about whether the aliens might prefer a foot-based perspiration. More study is needed.

3. Subway sandwiches are super gross and over-priced. Even though they once-in-a-while try to convince you in their adverts that you can get a foot-long sub for five dollars, good luck finding a place that actually honors that claim. Plus since there are so many pubes in the food, they try to cover it up by putting an imperial shittonne of lettuce on there. Try asking for no lettuce. Just try it! No way, Holmes, you are getting lettuce. One way or another you are going to eat that lettuce, and whether you’re sitting at a table quietly weeping, or on the floor surrounded by Subway employees who are laughing so hard that they are practically screaming at you, that lettuce is going down the pipe, my friend.

4. There are a lot of alternative places that have way better sandwiches, and often at a cheaper price. I mean, what the cripes man, open your eyes, they are everywhere. Check behind recently opened Subways, and sometimes there will be a sandwich place right behind there. Or if you see a bunch of people trying to get into a place, and there are these mean looking guys who are not letting them through, then that is probably some Subway folks keeping people from patronizing the competition.

5. Subway places are still open. There they are. They are all there. You can look right at them.

 
So all we have to do from there is connect the dots. Connect them all the way to Pube Town. (Subway is Pube Town)

“Becca…”

I felt his honeyed breath sweep across my exposed neck and up into my quivering nostrils. “Edmund,” I replied, choking on my own idiotic-sounding, raspy voice, “Why are you here?” I could feel my pathetic, soft, human heart pounding away as I waited for his words. Each second that I wasn’t hearing his creamy, songlike voice was like an eternity of eating glass shards in Hell.

“Because, my sweet, dear Becca,” he began, and I almost fainted to the floor with ecstasy at his perfect, lathery, but also strong, and foreboding tone, “I love you more than anything, and will as long as I live, which by the way is forever.”

He appeared at the side of my bed, moving faster than any loathsome, disgusting human such as myself could ever wish to, and held my face in his hands. His palms felt cold on my wretched cheeks, as if he were the most perfect ice sculpture that could also move about freely while not melting. After a while, my cheeks started getting really cold, but I didn’t mind. I would rather get frostbite and have my entire face amputated than have Edmund be any farther away than he was now.

Suddenly Edmund hissed and turned to the window. “What is it?” I asked.

“It’s another vampire — an evil one!” Edmund clenched his exotic, supernaturally perfect fists. “…Only two thousand miles away, and running toward us at full speed! I am putting you in danger just by being here!”

“No, Edmund!” I cried out, “It is I who am putting you in danger! By being a disgusting, lowly, repulsive, ugly, soft-fleshed cockroach of a person!”

He softened his expression, and touched my face. “Sweet Becca, don’t you know that you are more beautiful than anyone, whether human or vampire. I will protect you no matter what.” He touched my face again.

“How much time do we have?” I mumbled, in a daze from Edmund’s hard-yet-soft-yet-actually-really-super-hard abdominal muscles, which had become exposed recently.

“Not long,” Edmund muttered, again becoming dark, brooding, and mysterious, “You’d better make something to eat, while I use my mental powers to alert the other friendly vampires.”

I went downstairs and made some eggs. Then I made a sandwich. Then, after doing the dishes and sweeping the floor, I made some mushroom ravioli for Willie, because he would be home soon, and he couldn’t cook at all. Then I vacuumed the rugs and dusted the shelves. After all of that, I was hungry again, so I made two more eggs. Then I drank a juice.

Suddenly, Edmund was there before me. “It’s over,” He said. At that moment I felt more depressed than anyone has ever felt in the history of depression. I felt like someone had taken my heart out of my chest and slapped it really hard and then just stared and stared at it with a mean look. I could feel the tears forming in my pitifully myopic eyes.

Edmund looked handsomely confused. “What’s wrong?” He asked.

“You… You said it was over! Oh, Edmund. How can I go on living this horrible, horrible life of mediocrity without you?”

He laughed, and held my face in his hands (again). “Becca… Becca, Becca, Becca.” He stared lovingly at my trembling, dejected, worthless, ugly, stupid, retardo, mumbly, lame-brained, moronic, sniveling expression. “Becca. I don’t mean it’s over between us. I mean, the danger is over with. The evil vampires are gone. They have smelled our love for each other and were terrified by its strength and eternalness.”

“Oh, Edmund,” I drooled out, sickeningly, “I want to be a vampire too!”

Edmund let go of my face for a second and then touched it again with one hand. Then he touched it with his other hand. He kept doing this. “Dearest, most beautiful and exotic Becca,” He said, “Even though I could crush your entire skeleton just by hiccuping from a hundred yards away, I want you to stay human because I never had the chance to be human, and it seems like a pretty good time, I mean like going to the bathroom and sleeping and such.” He sighed and shook his head. “Becca,” he added.

Suddenly Edmund hissed!

“What now?” I blathered.

“Werewolves…” Edmund said, through his perfect teeth, lips, and gums, “I won’t let them near you!”

How could I possibly let Edmund know that among those very wolves was my best friend, Jared, who had recently expressed to me his passionate and undying love? It was at that moment, I knew I would have to be mopey and whiny for a very long time, all the while making countless unwise decisions, until the situation had resolved itself without any positive action on my own part.
 

TO BE CONTINUED!

First of all, there is the issue of numbers. The evolutionists and many scientists believe that the earth is billions of years old, which makes much of the Bible suspect. The creationists argue that since God invented numbers, He can assign them any value He wishes. Then the evolutionists reply that they are counting with the numbers of today, as opposed to the “God-numbers” used many years ago. To which the creationist response would be, There are no other numbers but for the numbers supplied by God.

It could be said that the Bible is just a book, written and re-written over centuries by different people with different agendas, and as such its contents can be read in many ways and myriad conclusions can be drawn from it. Likewise, scientific methods such as carbon dating are also constructs of mankind, and could be held to just as much scrutiny.

Take for instance, the story in the Bible where Peter, who would later become one of Jesus’ main disciples, is talking to the side of a mountain, and it begins to bleed, and Peter bathes in the mountain blood, and it totally cures a wound he got after fighting a minotaur. This story could easily be a parable about Peter finding a fossil during an excavation for God. And all the blood is a metaphor for the hard work that archaeology requires. And the fight with the minotaur represents the fight for funding that Peter had to endure to do the dig.

So really if you step back from things and calm down, you’ll find that science and religion can tell the same story. Here is another example.

There is the story of when Jesus and his entourage find a blind, homeless man in the street. Back then, if you were blind, people would steal things from you and sneak up on you a lot, something Jesus was trying to get people to stop doing. So this old guy tells Jesus, Oh, I’m blind, and they took my house and things, and I can’t get a wife, etc. Jesus takes pity on the poor soul, and tells him that if he has faith, he will be cured. And the way he has to show his faith to God, is by running in any direction for six straight days, eating nothing but pure salt, and then he can rub the liver of a fresh-killed lamb into his eyes and they will regain their ability to see! So the man immediately starts running, and a month later, when Jesus returns to that town, the guy totally sports vision.

Now then, what is this allegory actually telling us? Well I think it’s quite obvious that the beggar’s “vision” represents scientific knowlege. And the obstacles that Jesus asks him to perform in order to reveal his faith, are the scientific method— six days of “running” (research and experiments), eating only “salt” (facts and evidence), and using the warm “liver” of a recently butchered lamb (publishing the results for peer review).

So my stance on the issue is really that by teaching science in schools, we are, in a way, also teaching Intelligent Design and creationism. And as you all should know, I am pro-science.

I remember going nuts trying to figure out how to get MT to do things like store a variable and such. Plus it’s nice to not have to rebuild the site after each update. But anyway, that’s all background stuff that shouldn’t be mentioned in the main content area here, which will doubtlessly revert back to fluff and the spread of misinformation by our own Jiminy Mofatts.

Right so expect things to be working soon. Relatively soon. Certain things may take longer than others. Like, the A.S.W.F.A. link will work quicker than the Cap/Swaps link, because I don’t really have to change anything really, but the Cap/Swaps were powered by the old engine, so they’ll need to be imported somehow. As for the older posts, I don’t know yet.

Thanks.